The secret diary of .. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor

2026-02-20 - 17:06

MONDAY “I want breakfast.” “The table is set, sir.” “What are you talking about? Have you gone mad?” “There’s a pot of tea and a boiled egg with soldiers, sir.” “That’s not breakfast. I want my usual breakfast. Plover eggs, quail eggs, swan eggs, fresh cream, fresh ham, fresh goose, honey from Lebanon, chocolates from Belgium, that green fruity thing grown by my loyal subjects in New Zealand. Wonderful place. Always welcome there. Anyway. Get my breakfast. I want my breakfast.” TUESDAY “I want lunch.” “The table is set, sir.” “What are you talking about? Have you gone mad?” “There’s a mince pie from the petrol station, sir.” “That’s not lunch. I want my usual lunch. Watercress that was put on ice at 4:30am, Windsor pheasant, Highland smoked haddock, Quebrada de Humahuaca Andean potatoes but make sure you avoid heavy starches. I need to stay slim. Mustn’t get fat. Can’t sweat it off as everyone knows. Anyway. Get my lunch. I want my lunch.” WEDNESDAY “I want dinner.” “The table is set, sir.” “What are you talking about? Have you gone mad?” “There’s left-overs from breakfast, sir.” “That’s not dinner. I want my usual dinner. I want Hampshire watercress panna cotta with parmesan shortbread and quail egg salad for first course, followed by organic Norfolk chicken ballotine wrapped in courgettes with a thyme and savoury infused jus, and for dessert I’ll have vanilla ice cream bombe with Kentish raspberry sorbet interior with lightly poached Victoria plums. Then if I’m peckish I’ll—where are you going?” THURSDAY “At last! New staff, I see. Good. Last lot were rubbish. It’s my birthday, and I’m hungry. Get me breakfast. I want my breakfast.” “I’m placing you under arrest, sir.” “What are you talking about? Have you gone mad?” “I am formally arresting you on suspicion of misconduct in public office. We are taking you to Aylsham police station. There’s a car waiting.” “Don’t you know who I am?” “A man in his sixties from Norfolk.” FRIDAY “I’m home. Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Anyone?”