The secret diary of .. pump attendants

2026-03-27 - 18:34

Chris Hipkins Hi there, and thank you for your custom. I’ll be your pump attendant today but before we get down to business, I have no advice to give you, should you want it, on the fuel crisis. It’s certainly a bad business. War! What is it good for? Some say absolutely nothing, but I don’t think absolutes are very helpful moving forward. I see that you are wanting to fill your tank. Are you sure about that? It will cost you a lot of money. You also might want to consider what you are going to do if or when our petrol supplies run out. But I have already told you I have nothing to say on the matter. It’s not up to me. It’s up to the government. I’m not going to go to the effort, and likewise neither am I going to risk spilling petrol on my pants by filling your tank. So what we have is here a stand-off. I’m just going to stand here and say nothing and do nothing. Have a nice day! Chlöe Swarbrick Hi there, and thank you for your custom. I’ll be your pump attendant today but before we get down to business, could you please step out of your car? Thank you. Now can you please step away from your car. You’re still standing a bit close. Take another step. And another. One more. Great. Can you see what’s across the road? It’s what is known as a bus stop. I suggest you cross the road and wait there for the next bus. While you’re waiting, I’ll write to the Prime Minister requesting that all bus services be free of charge. I estimate it will cost $143m. That’s a drop in the bucket, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you rather have that, than a drop of petrol? Of course you would. You don’t want to depend on fossil fuels. You want to depend on a free electric bus service. The next bus is due in about six hours. Have a nice day! Shane Jones Hi there, and thank you for your custom. I’ll be your pump attendant today but before we get down to business, have you ever wondered where our petrol is stored? Right now Marsden Point has capacity for about 300 million litres. But that could be doubled if we repurpose the storage tanks that the last Labour government closed down. Preliminary reports suggests that it’s totally doable but do you know what else preliminary reports are in favour of? Seabed mining. I want to see rigs on the horizon again. We are going to open up exploration acreage like never before – seismic ships, drilling rigs, the whole caboodle. I’m absolutely determined to see the sector rejuvenated, revitalised and, dare I say it, re-erected. Then and only then can we get New Zealand moving. Just sit right in the meantime. I’m going for lunch. May your sidereal day, which represents the time taken by the earth to rotate on its axis relative to the stars, be salubrious. Nicola Willis Hi there, and thank you for your custom. I’ll be your pump attendant today but before we get down to business, I can inform you that the government has fleshed out its National Fuel Plan, outlining rationing measures that would be taken if supplies start running dry. Resembling the Coved alert levels, the plan has four ‘phases’. Right now we are at phase 1. Nothing to worry about. Phase 2 would see homes, businesses and the public sector encouraged to conserve fuel. A bit of a worry but not really. Phase 3 would see fuel prioritised for life-preserving services and phase 4 would see stricter intervention in fuel distribution by which I mean you ought to stay home, lock the door, and get ready for a fuel-crisis apocalypse something along the lines of Mad Max or, you know, Dawn of the Dead. Come back! You can’t just run screaming down the road. Where are you going, anyway? There’s nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Have a nice day—while you can!