The secret diary of .. the Judge Aitken hearing

2026-02-13 - 17:09

Judicial Conduct Panel Thank you to all parties for attending this constitutionally significant hearing which is about to unite the country in its loathing of the professional classes. Entire forests have been chopped down to produce a great many really big ring-binders in this courtroom, a clear sign that the matter is very serious, very serious indeed, involving two permanent and profoundly disturbing conditions of New Zealand life, alcohol and Winston Peters. Judge Ema Aitken has been accused of disrupting a New Zealand First function at the members-only Northern Club in Auckland. It’s agreed that she did not shoot anyone and neither did she explode an incendiary device—but it appears to have come very close to that, according to witnesses from New Zealand First, who will describe her behaviour on the night in question as falling little short of a terrorist attack. The panel will make recommendations about whether she should be removed. The ultimate decision rests with the Attorney General, a position vacated by Judith Collins for this matter. Judge Aitken dodged a bullet there but she ought not relax. One of the witnesses is New Zealand First MP Casey Costello, who will appear after this cigarette break. Casey Costello I served in the New Zealand police for 14 years and never have I seen such a risk posed to life and limb as displayed on the night in question by Judge Aitken—and her husband, Dr David Galler. I deduced he was drunk, not merely because he reeked of alcohol, but because he accosted me and made nonsensical claims that smoking poses a health risk. The panel The next witness is Holly Howard, deputy chief of staff for New Zealand First. She would like to play a video she made on her phone that night of a further disruption caused by lawyer Michael Reed KC. She says he posed a security risk. Let’s look at it now. There’s Mr Reed. Short chap. Gold Card in his pocket. You may remember him from such trials as defending David Bain in his retrial. Right. So we see him now and he’s standing around doing nothing. Nothing is happening. Nothing is continuing to not happen. It’s hard to see what the problem is because he simply seems to be a little old man one or two sheets to the wind who is having difficulty putting his cellphone into his pocket. Oh dear, he’s dropped it on the floor, and now he’s bending over, agonising slowly, to pick it up. It all looks rather pathetic. Holly Howard He could be a master of disguise. Beneath that shambling exterior, he might have been a ninja assassin trained in deadly arts. It’s just the world we live in. Anything could happen. You just never know. A central tenet of New Zealand First is that the cost of freedom is eternal vigilance and a heightened state of hysteria. The panel It’s time we heard from Judge Aitken. Judge Aitken Thank you for this opportunity to come across as a person who maintains impeccable moral standards. I need to put events into context. Like many New Zealanders, I spend four-six months every year on holiday in England and Europe. I had just returned from one such trip and going back to work was a shock to the system but I persevered for the good of the country and its many peasants who regularly appear before me in court. On the day in question, a young man appeared for sentencing. He was of good character and his partner had just had their baby. I threw him in prison. As a person of exquisite feelings, I can say with confidence that it hurt me more than it hurt him. By the time I got to the Northern Club for a function, I was in no mood to tolerate foolishness, so when I came back from the bathroom and heard a man on a microphone tell wicked lies about tikanga, I snapped, and said something rude. That’s it. End of story. Big deal. However I did not realise the speaker was Winston Peters. To say otherwise is an arrant nonsense. How could I be expected to recognise his voice? The panel Thank you Judge Aitken. We will reconvene next week for more of the same. In the meantime the panel wish to discuss matters with counsel. Seeing as it’s Friday afternoon, let’s adjourn to the Northern Club. It’s nice and private. Only the right kind of people go there.